It's been a long time... Too long.
I've wanted to write something new quite a few times but something always stopped me.
So reading my old posts, I was really obsessed with the "idea" that I had bipolar disorder back then. I knew I was (obsessed) as well but I did (and still do) believe I have it. I'm not as bad now, I just want to be proven right or wrong sometime so I can finally get over it.
I really had no idea back then how bad it could be. I thought that was bad even though I knew it could be worse but I was so wrapped up in it all I just didn't know... Til it happened: paranoia; hallucinations; severe anxiety and SEVERE agoraphobia. Also, panic attacks so bad they causes asthma attacks and a whole lot of depersonalisation/derealisation/dissociation. Doesn't sound that bad does it? It was though, it was the most horrendous thing imaginable. Now imagine people who don't even know you taking the piss out of you EVERY fucking day... Rage, agression, homicidal mania... I could have killed someone - at times - it would have been so fucking easy. Easier than that though would have been killing myself, now THAT would have been the most business like decision. To do: kill self. It was that black and white at times, I would literally think 'ah well it's time to go' and would seriously contemplate it.
After a whole lot of struggling and a whole lot of time not going anywhere something happened (someone died) that proved to be the making of me. I'd never been to Scotland before and might possibly never go again but, I kind of owe my life to that place; I could be me again (as much as is possible for a severely paranoid severely anxious person to be).
This kind of woke me up and I was ~living~ again.
I decided I needed help so went to my doctor and from there got referred to First Step and to CBT which, if it wasn't for being so I still might be stuck not knowing. The woman I saw was really concerned and referred me to secondary services to which I was assigned the Early Intervention in Psychosis service. From there I was assessed and was found to not have a psychotic illness but a personality disorder which quite frankly, I was not expecting. I was also diagnosed with possible complex PTSD and definite panic disorder. So, from there I was referred to the CMHT and would be waiting forever to referred to psychology services which, unfortunately never happened. Now I'm at university (although I was off yesterday and today) and am waiting for student finance so I can move to my booked and soon to be secured accommodation and start a whole new (half) life (still be living here occasionally).
That's my story bro. Now my arm hurts.
