This post is gonna be about medication.
I take a few tablets a day plus inhalers, I also take supplements. I've took inhalers for most of my life; I've been taking tablets for the past few years. In that time I've been on a few different kinds, mostly antidepressants, one anxiolytic, one antipsychotic and one for high blood pressure. At the moment I take Risperidone 0.5 mg 3 times a day (2 in the morning, 1 at night), Mirtazapine 15 mg at night and Ramipril 2.5 mg in the morning. The Risperidone is an antipsychotic for hallucinations, paranoia and anxiety, the Mirtazapine is an antidepressant for anxiety and depression and the Ramipril is for high blood pressure. I've been taking Risperidone for a year now and at first it was really helpful but I've started to tolerate it more and more however it's raised my prolactin levels. I've also been taking Ramipril for a year. I found out I had/have high blood pressure after seeing my doctor for concussion, wouldn't have known otherwise. I've now been taking Mirtazapine for a week and wow, it's powerful. I'm starting to tolerate it a bit which is good but I keep having to lie down still.
I feel like a fraud, like there's nothing really wrong with me and I'm taking drugs for no purpose but there is, there really is and the medication helps, a lot but still, I'm ill (how bad I'd be without it is kinda scary).
Monday, 18 March 2013
Monday, 11 March 2013
Trip to the doctors
I couldn't think of a post title so I thought I'd go with Trip to the doctors.
It's been 5 months since my last post and in that time I've been at uni in Leeds studying Social Sciences. As I explained in my last post this was pretty amazing because I have severe anxiety and severe agoraphobia so getting out of the house is amazing never mind the street, the neighbourhood and the town. Whenever I'm out of town I feel free though, or freeer with regards to my trip to Lancaster last last weekend where I felt more anxious than usual when going to a city. My anxiety is severe though, so severe I had to give up university.
After the Christmas break I moved accommodation with the help of my friend which without her help would have been a lot harder. I was all hopeful and optimistic that I'd feel better than I had done in my old accommodation with the 3 loud mouth, messy cunts I was living with. Living with them did my OCD good because I could live with the mess and I realised as messy as my family are they're nothing like that. I was now living in a studio flat on the 3rd floor and as there was no lift this was somewhat problematic. I have a problem with large stairs due to having asthma however I was willing to put up with this. There was a road which was a hill (funnily enough called North Hill Road) leading towards the main road where the bus stops were. The distance was actually further than the distance to the bus stop at the old accommodation however it was much closer to university and I could have walked there if I wanted. Being agoraphobic and having panic disorder one of my main "problems" is I panic when people are going past me. This soon became a serious problem as the road was somewhat closed in and there wasn't a lot of "escape" (one of the symptoms of agoraphobia is fear of places where escape isn't possible) and there was constantly people going up and down this road. At my old accommodation it was way out in the suburbs and a probable hour away on foot and 15 - 20 minutes away by bus. There was only one bus service and it was every 20 minutes. Now there was a load of bus services to choose from so waiting wasn't so much of a problem.
After moving all my stuff and a HELL of a lot of walking I had developed a chest infection, it was quite a bad one and one morning walking to uni the horrendous feeling of severe panic started to come over me and I started having an asthma attack. With chest infections there is usually some general anxiety and panic involved which to my understanding is due to raised oxygen levels and the obvious difficulty in breathing. In my case this means a worsening of my existing anxiety conditions and as they are already severe this means they really cause problems (not that they don't anyway). I did my inhaler and felt better but was contemplating going to hospital, I thought this was a bit over dramatic so carried on towards the bus stop and went to uni.
I was really struggling with panic now and was wondering what the hell I could do to help myself. I carried on struggling and kept thinking about my options such as seeing the doctor, herbal medications (of which I was already taking), acupuncture, massage and hypnosis. I started to think what if it got worse, I'd have to go into hospital because I could barely manage now. I was dreading going out because I knew what to expect but because I knew to expect it it's what I got. It probably sounds ridiculous that "panic" could be so bad but unless you actually experience it it is impossible to understand truly how life destroying it can be. It can make you suicidal because it can take over your entire life. Severe anxiety is similar to panic but there is a difference. Panic is easier to deal with in a way because it can't get much worse but severe anxiety is also easier to deal with because you're more "relaxed" however you know it can get worse. Even so I felt like it might get even worse.
It certainly wasn't getting any better and I felt like I needed a break. I started thinking about deferring but thought about how far I'd come and it would almost feel like "giving up". After a couple more days I really couldn't take it any more and I kept thinking more and more about deferring. I eventually decided it would be the best idea to defer and started bringing stuff home. Telling my mam was fun but after having an emotional breakdown she realised I wasn't just giving up for no reason.
After returning I quickly reverted to my "old ways" of not really going anywhere which to be honest I did whenever I was back home. I knew it would only get worse so after being allowed to register back at my old doctors I saw my doctor who referred me for "support" (whatever that may be). My physio also advised I be referred for CBT seeing how my muscular tension problems are due to anxiety.
In the past couple of weeks I've struggled along at times feeling better, at times feeling worse. I went to the doctors again this morning initially about something else but with my (yet again) worsening anxiety I decided to see her about that as well and got some new/old medication I've had before which helped at first but then just started making me seriously tired and seriously hungry. I'm hopeful about it though and if nothing else it will help me sleep. I have to take one at night time, planning to take it in about an hour.
Hopefully soon I'll start therapy again. I'm hoping to do an Open University course sometime or something similar.
I know giving up uni was the right thing to do but I do feel like I could have carried on sometimes even though I know I couldn't have. I have deferred for a year but I doubt I'll go back; I don't fancy going into a new class halfway through the year. At least I tried it though and at least I proved that I can do it. After attempting uni for the first time in 2009 after taking a gap year I had been dying to do it again just to prove I can do it. Mostly to myself but I'll be honest and say partly to other people. It was a BIG jump though and obviously one too big however I made it halfway and that's more than I really expected to.
It's been 5 months since my last post and in that time I've been at uni in Leeds studying Social Sciences. As I explained in my last post this was pretty amazing because I have severe anxiety and severe agoraphobia so getting out of the house is amazing never mind the street, the neighbourhood and the town. Whenever I'm out of town I feel free though, or freeer with regards to my trip to Lancaster last last weekend where I felt more anxious than usual when going to a city. My anxiety is severe though, so severe I had to give up university.
After the Christmas break I moved accommodation with the help of my friend which without her help would have been a lot harder. I was all hopeful and optimistic that I'd feel better than I had done in my old accommodation with the 3 loud mouth, messy cunts I was living with. Living with them did my OCD good because I could live with the mess and I realised as messy as my family are they're nothing like that. I was now living in a studio flat on the 3rd floor and as there was no lift this was somewhat problematic. I have a problem with large stairs due to having asthma however I was willing to put up with this. There was a road which was a hill (funnily enough called North Hill Road) leading towards the main road where the bus stops were. The distance was actually further than the distance to the bus stop at the old accommodation however it was much closer to university and I could have walked there if I wanted. Being agoraphobic and having panic disorder one of my main "problems" is I panic when people are going past me. This soon became a serious problem as the road was somewhat closed in and there wasn't a lot of "escape" (one of the symptoms of agoraphobia is fear of places where escape isn't possible) and there was constantly people going up and down this road. At my old accommodation it was way out in the suburbs and a probable hour away on foot and 15 - 20 minutes away by bus. There was only one bus service and it was every 20 minutes. Now there was a load of bus services to choose from so waiting wasn't so much of a problem.
After moving all my stuff and a HELL of a lot of walking I had developed a chest infection, it was quite a bad one and one morning walking to uni the horrendous feeling of severe panic started to come over me and I started having an asthma attack. With chest infections there is usually some general anxiety and panic involved which to my understanding is due to raised oxygen levels and the obvious difficulty in breathing. In my case this means a worsening of my existing anxiety conditions and as they are already severe this means they really cause problems (not that they don't anyway). I did my inhaler and felt better but was contemplating going to hospital, I thought this was a bit over dramatic so carried on towards the bus stop and went to uni.
I was really struggling with panic now and was wondering what the hell I could do to help myself. I carried on struggling and kept thinking about my options such as seeing the doctor, herbal medications (of which I was already taking), acupuncture, massage and hypnosis. I started to think what if it got worse, I'd have to go into hospital because I could barely manage now. I was dreading going out because I knew what to expect but because I knew to expect it it's what I got. It probably sounds ridiculous that "panic" could be so bad but unless you actually experience it it is impossible to understand truly how life destroying it can be. It can make you suicidal because it can take over your entire life. Severe anxiety is similar to panic but there is a difference. Panic is easier to deal with in a way because it can't get much worse but severe anxiety is also easier to deal with because you're more "relaxed" however you know it can get worse. Even so I felt like it might get even worse.
It certainly wasn't getting any better and I felt like I needed a break. I started thinking about deferring but thought about how far I'd come and it would almost feel like "giving up". After a couple more days I really couldn't take it any more and I kept thinking more and more about deferring. I eventually decided it would be the best idea to defer and started bringing stuff home. Telling my mam was fun but after having an emotional breakdown she realised I wasn't just giving up for no reason.
After returning I quickly reverted to my "old ways" of not really going anywhere which to be honest I did whenever I was back home. I knew it would only get worse so after being allowed to register back at my old doctors I saw my doctor who referred me for "support" (whatever that may be). My physio also advised I be referred for CBT seeing how my muscular tension problems are due to anxiety.
In the past couple of weeks I've struggled along at times feeling better, at times feeling worse. I went to the doctors again this morning initially about something else but with my (yet again) worsening anxiety I decided to see her about that as well and got some new/old medication I've had before which helped at first but then just started making me seriously tired and seriously hungry. I'm hopeful about it though and if nothing else it will help me sleep. I have to take one at night time, planning to take it in about an hour.
Hopefully soon I'll start therapy again. I'm hoping to do an Open University course sometime or something similar.
I know giving up uni was the right thing to do but I do feel like I could have carried on sometimes even though I know I couldn't have. I have deferred for a year but I doubt I'll go back; I don't fancy going into a new class halfway through the year. At least I tried it though and at least I proved that I can do it. After attempting uni for the first time in 2009 after taking a gap year I had been dying to do it again just to prove I can do it. Mostly to myself but I'll be honest and say partly to other people. It was a BIG jump though and obviously one too big however I made it halfway and that's more than I really expected to.
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