This post is gonna be about medication.
I take a few tablets a day plus inhalers, I also take supplements. I've took inhalers for most of my life; I've been taking tablets for the past few years. In that time I've been on a few different kinds, mostly antidepressants, one anxiolytic, one antipsychotic and one for high blood pressure. At the moment I take Risperidone 0.5 mg 3 times a day (2 in the morning, 1 at night), Mirtazapine 15 mg at night and Ramipril 2.5 mg in the morning. The Risperidone is an antipsychotic for hallucinations, paranoia and anxiety, the Mirtazapine is an antidepressant for anxiety and depression and the Ramipril is for high blood pressure. I've been taking Risperidone for a year now and at first it was really helpful but I've started to tolerate it more and more however it's raised my prolactin levels. I've also been taking Ramipril for a year. I found out I had/have high blood pressure after seeing my doctor for concussion, wouldn't have known otherwise. I've now been taking Mirtazapine for a week and wow, it's powerful. I'm starting to tolerate it a bit which is good but I keep having to lie down still.
I feel like a fraud, like there's nothing really wrong with me and I'm taking drugs for no purpose but there is, there really is and the medication helps, a lot but still, I'm ill (how bad I'd be without it is kinda scary).
Monday, 18 March 2013
Monday, 11 March 2013
Trip to the doctors
I couldn't think of a post title so I thought I'd go with Trip to the doctors.
It's been 5 months since my last post and in that time I've been at uni in Leeds studying Social Sciences. As I explained in my last post this was pretty amazing because I have severe anxiety and severe agoraphobia so getting out of the house is amazing never mind the street, the neighbourhood and the town. Whenever I'm out of town I feel free though, or freeer with regards to my trip to Lancaster last last weekend where I felt more anxious than usual when going to a city. My anxiety is severe though, so severe I had to give up university.
After the Christmas break I moved accommodation with the help of my friend which without her help would have been a lot harder. I was all hopeful and optimistic that I'd feel better than I had done in my old accommodation with the 3 loud mouth, messy cunts I was living with. Living with them did my OCD good because I could live with the mess and I realised as messy as my family are they're nothing like that. I was now living in a studio flat on the 3rd floor and as there was no lift this was somewhat problematic. I have a problem with large stairs due to having asthma however I was willing to put up with this. There was a road which was a hill (funnily enough called North Hill Road) leading towards the main road where the bus stops were. The distance was actually further than the distance to the bus stop at the old accommodation however it was much closer to university and I could have walked there if I wanted. Being agoraphobic and having panic disorder one of my main "problems" is I panic when people are going past me. This soon became a serious problem as the road was somewhat closed in and there wasn't a lot of "escape" (one of the symptoms of agoraphobia is fear of places where escape isn't possible) and there was constantly people going up and down this road. At my old accommodation it was way out in the suburbs and a probable hour away on foot and 15 - 20 minutes away by bus. There was only one bus service and it was every 20 minutes. Now there was a load of bus services to choose from so waiting wasn't so much of a problem.
After moving all my stuff and a HELL of a lot of walking I had developed a chest infection, it was quite a bad one and one morning walking to uni the horrendous feeling of severe panic started to come over me and I started having an asthma attack. With chest infections there is usually some general anxiety and panic involved which to my understanding is due to raised oxygen levels and the obvious difficulty in breathing. In my case this means a worsening of my existing anxiety conditions and as they are already severe this means they really cause problems (not that they don't anyway). I did my inhaler and felt better but was contemplating going to hospital, I thought this was a bit over dramatic so carried on towards the bus stop and went to uni.
I was really struggling with panic now and was wondering what the hell I could do to help myself. I carried on struggling and kept thinking about my options such as seeing the doctor, herbal medications (of which I was already taking), acupuncture, massage and hypnosis. I started to think what if it got worse, I'd have to go into hospital because I could barely manage now. I was dreading going out because I knew what to expect but because I knew to expect it it's what I got. It probably sounds ridiculous that "panic" could be so bad but unless you actually experience it it is impossible to understand truly how life destroying it can be. It can make you suicidal because it can take over your entire life. Severe anxiety is similar to panic but there is a difference. Panic is easier to deal with in a way because it can't get much worse but severe anxiety is also easier to deal with because you're more "relaxed" however you know it can get worse. Even so I felt like it might get even worse.
It certainly wasn't getting any better and I felt like I needed a break. I started thinking about deferring but thought about how far I'd come and it would almost feel like "giving up". After a couple more days I really couldn't take it any more and I kept thinking more and more about deferring. I eventually decided it would be the best idea to defer and started bringing stuff home. Telling my mam was fun but after having an emotional breakdown she realised I wasn't just giving up for no reason.
After returning I quickly reverted to my "old ways" of not really going anywhere which to be honest I did whenever I was back home. I knew it would only get worse so after being allowed to register back at my old doctors I saw my doctor who referred me for "support" (whatever that may be). My physio also advised I be referred for CBT seeing how my muscular tension problems are due to anxiety.
In the past couple of weeks I've struggled along at times feeling better, at times feeling worse. I went to the doctors again this morning initially about something else but with my (yet again) worsening anxiety I decided to see her about that as well and got some new/old medication I've had before which helped at first but then just started making me seriously tired and seriously hungry. I'm hopeful about it though and if nothing else it will help me sleep. I have to take one at night time, planning to take it in about an hour.
Hopefully soon I'll start therapy again. I'm hoping to do an Open University course sometime or something similar.
I know giving up uni was the right thing to do but I do feel like I could have carried on sometimes even though I know I couldn't have. I have deferred for a year but I doubt I'll go back; I don't fancy going into a new class halfway through the year. At least I tried it though and at least I proved that I can do it. After attempting uni for the first time in 2009 after taking a gap year I had been dying to do it again just to prove I can do it. Mostly to myself but I'll be honest and say partly to other people. It was a BIG jump though and obviously one too big however I made it halfway and that's more than I really expected to.
It's been 5 months since my last post and in that time I've been at uni in Leeds studying Social Sciences. As I explained in my last post this was pretty amazing because I have severe anxiety and severe agoraphobia so getting out of the house is amazing never mind the street, the neighbourhood and the town. Whenever I'm out of town I feel free though, or freeer with regards to my trip to Lancaster last last weekend where I felt more anxious than usual when going to a city. My anxiety is severe though, so severe I had to give up university.
After the Christmas break I moved accommodation with the help of my friend which without her help would have been a lot harder. I was all hopeful and optimistic that I'd feel better than I had done in my old accommodation with the 3 loud mouth, messy cunts I was living with. Living with them did my OCD good because I could live with the mess and I realised as messy as my family are they're nothing like that. I was now living in a studio flat on the 3rd floor and as there was no lift this was somewhat problematic. I have a problem with large stairs due to having asthma however I was willing to put up with this. There was a road which was a hill (funnily enough called North Hill Road) leading towards the main road where the bus stops were. The distance was actually further than the distance to the bus stop at the old accommodation however it was much closer to university and I could have walked there if I wanted. Being agoraphobic and having panic disorder one of my main "problems" is I panic when people are going past me. This soon became a serious problem as the road was somewhat closed in and there wasn't a lot of "escape" (one of the symptoms of agoraphobia is fear of places where escape isn't possible) and there was constantly people going up and down this road. At my old accommodation it was way out in the suburbs and a probable hour away on foot and 15 - 20 minutes away by bus. There was only one bus service and it was every 20 minutes. Now there was a load of bus services to choose from so waiting wasn't so much of a problem.
After moving all my stuff and a HELL of a lot of walking I had developed a chest infection, it was quite a bad one and one morning walking to uni the horrendous feeling of severe panic started to come over me and I started having an asthma attack. With chest infections there is usually some general anxiety and panic involved which to my understanding is due to raised oxygen levels and the obvious difficulty in breathing. In my case this means a worsening of my existing anxiety conditions and as they are already severe this means they really cause problems (not that they don't anyway). I did my inhaler and felt better but was contemplating going to hospital, I thought this was a bit over dramatic so carried on towards the bus stop and went to uni.
I was really struggling with panic now and was wondering what the hell I could do to help myself. I carried on struggling and kept thinking about my options such as seeing the doctor, herbal medications (of which I was already taking), acupuncture, massage and hypnosis. I started to think what if it got worse, I'd have to go into hospital because I could barely manage now. I was dreading going out because I knew what to expect but because I knew to expect it it's what I got. It probably sounds ridiculous that "panic" could be so bad but unless you actually experience it it is impossible to understand truly how life destroying it can be. It can make you suicidal because it can take over your entire life. Severe anxiety is similar to panic but there is a difference. Panic is easier to deal with in a way because it can't get much worse but severe anxiety is also easier to deal with because you're more "relaxed" however you know it can get worse. Even so I felt like it might get even worse.
It certainly wasn't getting any better and I felt like I needed a break. I started thinking about deferring but thought about how far I'd come and it would almost feel like "giving up". After a couple more days I really couldn't take it any more and I kept thinking more and more about deferring. I eventually decided it would be the best idea to defer and started bringing stuff home. Telling my mam was fun but after having an emotional breakdown she realised I wasn't just giving up for no reason.
After returning I quickly reverted to my "old ways" of not really going anywhere which to be honest I did whenever I was back home. I knew it would only get worse so after being allowed to register back at my old doctors I saw my doctor who referred me for "support" (whatever that may be). My physio also advised I be referred for CBT seeing how my muscular tension problems are due to anxiety.
In the past couple of weeks I've struggled along at times feeling better, at times feeling worse. I went to the doctors again this morning initially about something else but with my (yet again) worsening anxiety I decided to see her about that as well and got some new/old medication I've had before which helped at first but then just started making me seriously tired and seriously hungry. I'm hopeful about it though and if nothing else it will help me sleep. I have to take one at night time, planning to take it in about an hour.
Hopefully soon I'll start therapy again. I'm hoping to do an Open University course sometime or something similar.
I know giving up uni was the right thing to do but I do feel like I could have carried on sometimes even though I know I couldn't have. I have deferred for a year but I doubt I'll go back; I don't fancy going into a new class halfway through the year. At least I tried it though and at least I proved that I can do it. After attempting uni for the first time in 2009 after taking a gap year I had been dying to do it again just to prove I can do it. Mostly to myself but I'll be honest and say partly to other people. It was a BIG jump though and obviously one too big however I made it halfway and that's more than I really expected to.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
wow
It's been a long time... Too long.
I've wanted to write something new quite a few times but something always stopped me.
So reading my old posts, I was really obsessed with the "idea" that I had bipolar disorder back then. I knew I was (obsessed) as well but I did (and still do) believe I have it. I'm not as bad now, I just want to be proven right or wrong sometime so I can finally get over it.
I really had no idea back then how bad it could be. I thought that was bad even though I knew it could be worse but I was so wrapped up in it all I just didn't know... Til it happened: paranoia; hallucinations; severe anxiety and SEVERE agoraphobia. Also, panic attacks so bad they causes asthma attacks and a whole lot of depersonalisation/derealisation/dissociation. Doesn't sound that bad does it? It was though, it was the most horrendous thing imaginable. Now imagine people who don't even know you taking the piss out of you EVERY fucking day... Rage, agression, homicidal mania... I could have killed someone - at times - it would have been so fucking easy. Easier than that though would have been killing myself, now THAT would have been the most business like decision. To do: kill self. It was that black and white at times, I would literally think 'ah well it's time to go' and would seriously contemplate it.
After a whole lot of struggling and a whole lot of time not going anywhere something happened (someone died) that proved to be the making of me. I'd never been to Scotland before and might possibly never go again but, I kind of owe my life to that place; I could be me again (as much as is possible for a severely paranoid severely anxious person to be).
This kind of woke me up and I was ~living~ again.
I decided I needed help so went to my doctor and from there got referred to First Step and to CBT which, if it wasn't for being so I still might be stuck not knowing. The woman I saw was really concerned and referred me to secondary services to which I was assigned the Early Intervention in Psychosis service. From there I was assessed and was found to not have a psychotic illness but a personality disorder which quite frankly, I was not expecting. I was also diagnosed with possible complex PTSD and definite panic disorder. So, from there I was referred to the CMHT and would be waiting forever to referred to psychology services which, unfortunately never happened. Now I'm at university (although I was off yesterday and today) and am waiting for student finance so I can move to my booked and soon to be secured accommodation and start a whole new (half) life (still be living here occasionally).
That's my story bro. Now my arm hurts.
I've wanted to write something new quite a few times but something always stopped me.
So reading my old posts, I was really obsessed with the "idea" that I had bipolar disorder back then. I knew I was (obsessed) as well but I did (and still do) believe I have it. I'm not as bad now, I just want to be proven right or wrong sometime so I can finally get over it.
I really had no idea back then how bad it could be. I thought that was bad even though I knew it could be worse but I was so wrapped up in it all I just didn't know... Til it happened: paranoia; hallucinations; severe anxiety and SEVERE agoraphobia. Also, panic attacks so bad they causes asthma attacks and a whole lot of depersonalisation/derealisation/dissociation. Doesn't sound that bad does it? It was though, it was the most horrendous thing imaginable. Now imagine people who don't even know you taking the piss out of you EVERY fucking day... Rage, agression, homicidal mania... I could have killed someone - at times - it would have been so fucking easy. Easier than that though would have been killing myself, now THAT would have been the most business like decision. To do: kill self. It was that black and white at times, I would literally think 'ah well it's time to go' and would seriously contemplate it.
After a whole lot of struggling and a whole lot of time not going anywhere something happened (someone died) that proved to be the making of me. I'd never been to Scotland before and might possibly never go again but, I kind of owe my life to that place; I could be me again (as much as is possible for a severely paranoid severely anxious person to be).
This kind of woke me up and I was ~living~ again.
I decided I needed help so went to my doctor and from there got referred to First Step and to CBT which, if it wasn't for being so I still might be stuck not knowing. The woman I saw was really concerned and referred me to secondary services to which I was assigned the Early Intervention in Psychosis service. From there I was assessed and was found to not have a psychotic illness but a personality disorder which quite frankly, I was not expecting. I was also diagnosed with possible complex PTSD and definite panic disorder. So, from there I was referred to the CMHT and would be waiting forever to referred to psychology services which, unfortunately never happened. Now I'm at university (although I was off yesterday and today) and am waiting for student finance so I can move to my booked and soon to be secured accommodation and start a whole new (half) life (still be living here occasionally).
That's my story bro. Now my arm hurts.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
...
meh, something, Idk.
I did something stupid before ¬_¬; I scratched myself :. Right near my veins as well :/, well near them, on them, through them -_-. My arms are like a road map of my life; the scars are pretty much faded though but sometimes I catch sight of them and memories come back; random and not quite there but still. I stopped doing it for ages, back then it was one long depressive episode pretty much with moments of agression. Nowadays it's moments of rage and aggression. I think as stupid as it sounds not knowing that I am what I am what I am and so on is reallly pissing me off and ironically to the point where I'm nearly doing the things that would marker me as manic depressive *cough*.
It looks so pretty in a weird way :). Oh shit being proud of it ain't a good thing ¬_¬... I think I'm gonna get a tattoo when this is "over". I know someone who did that to stop themself from self harming and it worked :). I know I can stop, I've done it for years (stopped I mean) but extreme circumstances would do this to anyone. I actually find it amazing I really haven't hurt myself :, God I have some strength, the amount of urges I've resisted :).
It will be healed by tomorrow lol. My hand keeps going cold though :.
I'm gonna play keyboard and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck themselves :).
I did something stupid before ¬_¬; I scratched myself :. Right near my veins as well :/, well near them, on them, through them -_-. My arms are like a road map of my life; the scars are pretty much faded though but sometimes I catch sight of them and memories come back; random and not quite there but still. I stopped doing it for ages, back then it was one long depressive episode pretty much with moments of agression. Nowadays it's moments of rage and aggression. I think as stupid as it sounds not knowing that I am what I am what I am and so on is reallly pissing me off and ironically to the point where I'm nearly doing the things that would marker me as manic depressive *cough*.
It looks so pretty in a weird way :). Oh shit being proud of it ain't a good thing ¬_¬... I think I'm gonna get a tattoo when this is "over". I know someone who did that to stop themself from self harming and it worked :). I know I can stop, I've done it for years (stopped I mean) but extreme circumstances would do this to anyone. I actually find it amazing I really haven't hurt myself :, God I have some strength, the amount of urges I've resisted :).
It will be healed by tomorrow lol. My hand keeps going cold though :.
I'm gonna play keyboard and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck themselves :).
:)
Wow, so today I have been from one extreme to another :. Yeah I'm gonna be like totally open with it so just a warning and all that. So this morning of what I can remember of it I was pretty depressed and suicidal and as the days go on I'm getting worse and worse in the fluctuational pattern :/. Having nothing to do really doesn't help either so I feel lazy and useless but yeah. This afternoon I was thinking about self harm and such but I won't go into that and I got so fooking angry I almost stabbed a hole through the bed with the pipe on the hoover :... Rage, I haven't felt it for a long time, actually Idk if I've ever felt it. I mean yeah I've felt rage but I mean rage ya know, so utterly and completely pissed off/fucked off at the cycle of feeling good for about a few hours at the most then feeling utterly shit again. Plus someone had a spazz but I won't say who just in case they somehow happen to read this. Anyway, I put all of my tricks and stuff into motion with a little bit of scratching ¬_¬. Meh, at least it's not cutting. I've been reading my book on meditation although not properly lol but yeah I learnt the proper way to do om (aum) and it was kinda weird but good :, cleared my mind even after all that and loads of caffiene :). I finally got my computer working again before as well which is good because I'd die without it :. I can't wait to get my PC case though so I can clean everything because it's dusty as... Idk what but it's dusty which is a main reason it wasn't working :/.
I think I might stay up till 2 tonight to throw off the cycle :). If I go bad again though I have to go to the doctors and at least get something for it.
I think I might stay up till 2 tonight to throw off the cycle :). If I go bad again though I have to go to the doctors and at least get something for it.
Monday, 15 September 2008
Today
I've pretty much listened to, danced to and played music :). I tried to play White Houses and A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton but my keyboard's loud and I don't like people hearing me because it puts me off. I couldn't remember the note order either and my computer kept restarting because it was too hot so I had to do various things to cool it down, lol. I put my MP3 player on as well and played nearly every song I listened to by ear :), lol. Some were out of key though xd. It's made me a bit happier though :) although I'm bored as...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)