Sunday, 12 October 2008
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
...
meh, something, Idk.
I did something stupid before ¬_¬; I scratched myself :. Right near my veins as well :/, well near them, on them, through them -_-. My arms are like a road map of my life; the scars are pretty much faded though but sometimes I catch sight of them and memories come back; random and not quite there but still. I stopped doing it for ages, back then it was one long depressive episode pretty much with moments of agression. Nowadays it's moments of rage and aggression. I think as stupid as it sounds not knowing that I am what I am what I am and so on is reallly pissing me off and ironically to the point where I'm nearly doing the things that would marker me as manic depressive *cough*.
It looks so pretty in a weird way :). Oh shit being proud of it ain't a good thing ¬_¬... I think I'm gonna get a tattoo when this is "over". I know someone who did that to stop themself from self harming and it worked :). I know I can stop, I've done it for years (stopped I mean) but extreme circumstances would do this to anyone. I actually find it amazing I really haven't hurt myself :, God I have some strength, the amount of urges I've resisted :).
It will be healed by tomorrow lol. My hand keeps going cold though :.
I'm gonna play keyboard and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck themselves :).
I did something stupid before ¬_¬; I scratched myself :. Right near my veins as well :/, well near them, on them, through them -_-. My arms are like a road map of my life; the scars are pretty much faded though but sometimes I catch sight of them and memories come back; random and not quite there but still. I stopped doing it for ages, back then it was one long depressive episode pretty much with moments of agression. Nowadays it's moments of rage and aggression. I think as stupid as it sounds not knowing that I am what I am what I am and so on is reallly pissing me off and ironically to the point where I'm nearly doing the things that would marker me as manic depressive *cough*.
It looks so pretty in a weird way :). Oh shit being proud of it ain't a good thing ¬_¬... I think I'm gonna get a tattoo when this is "over". I know someone who did that to stop themself from self harming and it worked :). I know I can stop, I've done it for years (stopped I mean) but extreme circumstances would do this to anyone. I actually find it amazing I really haven't hurt myself :, God I have some strength, the amount of urges I've resisted :).
It will be healed by tomorrow lol. My hand keeps going cold though :.
I'm gonna play keyboard and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck themselves :).
:)
Wow, so today I have been from one extreme to another :. Yeah I'm gonna be like totally open with it so just a warning and all that. So this morning of what I can remember of it I was pretty depressed and suicidal and as the days go on I'm getting worse and worse in the fluctuational pattern :/. Having nothing to do really doesn't help either so I feel lazy and useless but yeah. This afternoon I was thinking about self harm and such but I won't go into that and I got so fooking angry I almost stabbed a hole through the bed with the pipe on the hoover :... Rage, I haven't felt it for a long time, actually Idk if I've ever felt it. I mean yeah I've felt rage but I mean rage ya know, so utterly and completely pissed off/fucked off at the cycle of feeling good for about a few hours at the most then feeling utterly shit again. Plus someone had a spazz but I won't say who just in case they somehow happen to read this. Anyway, I put all of my tricks and stuff into motion with a little bit of scratching ¬_¬. Meh, at least it's not cutting. I've been reading my book on meditation although not properly lol but yeah I learnt the proper way to do om (aum) and it was kinda weird but good :, cleared my mind even after all that and loads of caffiene :). I finally got my computer working again before as well which is good because I'd die without it :. I can't wait to get my PC case though so I can clean everything because it's dusty as... Idk what but it's dusty which is a main reason it wasn't working :/.
I think I might stay up till 2 tonight to throw off the cycle :). If I go bad again though I have to go to the doctors and at least get something for it.
I think I might stay up till 2 tonight to throw off the cycle :). If I go bad again though I have to go to the doctors and at least get something for it.
Monday, 15 September 2008
Today
I've pretty much listened to, danced to and played music :). I tried to play White Houses and A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton but my keyboard's loud and I don't like people hearing me because it puts me off. I couldn't remember the note order either and my computer kept restarting because it was too hot so I had to do various things to cool it down, lol. I put my MP3 player on as well and played nearly every song I listened to by ear :), lol. Some were out of key though xd. It's made me a bit happier though :) although I'm bored as...
:\
I feel... something. Semi-detached if ya get what I mean. Seeing how I'm probably the only one that will read this then yes, yes I know what I mean :). I've felt like that for a while actually, just like I'm "observing" myself. Depersonalisation, probably a component of OCD.
I felt rather emotionally dead last night. Well actually I was somewhat depressed then I watched the first Family Guy, came on here and couldn't be arsed watching the second one but I watched the end of it. Then I saw Equilibrium was on so I was like ooh in a semi monotonous way. I've seen it before because I have it but I like it so I watched it :). Made me feel kind of dead though. I love how highly ironic life is sometimes, I'm in confliction with my emotions then I watch a film where the plot is that it's a world after WW III where everyone suppresses their emotions with a drug so that everyone's the same pretty much and that it's illegal to feel. Made me thankful for my emotions whatever they are :). Most of the time I have to look in a mirror just to see how I feel because sometimes what I feel on the inside doesn't show on the outside. I'm like a robot sometimes, I feel boring because I look so serious or whatever but actually I have loads of things in my head at the same time; it's odd. I'm scared of change but I can't wait for it. I've lived the past 5 years in fear, of myself mainly :/. I'm capable of being something amazing and for some reason it scares me, lol. The best safety lies in fear, oh yes. Anyway, I watched that whilst trying to think wtf Christian Bale was in or someone that looks like him in some random film that I can't remember. Then I watched Dark Angel, lol.
I felt rather emotionally dead last night. Well actually I was somewhat depressed then I watched the first Family Guy, came on here and couldn't be arsed watching the second one but I watched the end of it. Then I saw Equilibrium was on so I was like ooh in a semi monotonous way. I've seen it before because I have it but I like it so I watched it :). Made me feel kind of dead though. I love how highly ironic life is sometimes, I'm in confliction with my emotions then I watch a film where the plot is that it's a world after WW III where everyone suppresses their emotions with a drug so that everyone's the same pretty much and that it's illegal to feel. Made me thankful for my emotions whatever they are :). Most of the time I have to look in a mirror just to see how I feel because sometimes what I feel on the inside doesn't show on the outside. I'm like a robot sometimes, I feel boring because I look so serious or whatever but actually I have loads of things in my head at the same time; it's odd. I'm scared of change but I can't wait for it. I've lived the past 5 years in fear, of myself mainly :/. I'm capable of being something amazing and for some reason it scares me, lol. The best safety lies in fear, oh yes. Anyway, I watched that whilst trying to think wtf Christian Bale was in or someone that looks like him in some random film that I can't remember. Then I watched Dark Angel, lol.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
I'm in
a mixed episode; very annoying. It's slightly more annoying that Idk whether I can refer to it as one or not because Idk whether I am bipolar or not. Then I start thinking I mustn't be because I'd have been commited by now or been to jail or something "typical" of bipolar but then again I've come across other people who think they have it but aren't that bad. I just thought as well that maybe I'm catching it early because the onset is usually between adolescence and mid twenties. I actually think I had it as a child though; I got upset very easily and I used to laugh hysterically at things. I remember being in school (when I was hardly ever there) I went from "always being happy" in year 7 to "always being miserable" in years 10 and 11 :/. Although there were changes in between of course. Sometimes I liked school but most of the time I didn't. Actually yeah it does make sense, I said last night I'm regressing to things I used to do when I was 14. I won't go into detail but yeah, nothing bad; well not that bad. Lol, I did some weird things as a kid though, well not weird just, experimental ;). I was rather reckless in a controlled sense lol, a combination of that mixed with OCD probably; how frivolous ;D. Wow I'm becoming more and more Victorian every day :s lol.
I can't wait to find out I am. It will show me how important I am to some people in a sense although I don't know that many people but still. If they're willing to change then it will be so amazing and I'll be so grateful but if they're not then, I'll move on with my life and gain true independence :).
... thanks for reading...
I can't wait to find out I am. It will show me how important I am to some people in a sense although I don't know that many people but still. If they're willing to change then it will be so amazing and I'll be so grateful but if they're not then, I'll move on with my life and gain true independence :).
... thanks for reading...
I want
a steam cleaner :). I've wanted one for ageees ever since I saw them on the shopping channel and was amazed and somewhat turned on :). Yes, cleaning turns me on; sometimes I smile really dirty after doing it ;D. It's odd because OCD rituals aren't supposed to make you any happier but the cleaning does so yeah :/.
I'm finally sorting my room out somewhat. Yeah, if you saw it you'd be like okkk but I have to do it bit by bit for various reasons. I think it may be a big cause of my OCD because I used to lie in bed planning what and how I would do it but way too tired to do it; a by product of depression... *cough*. Although it may be my thyroid that caused/causes it, or both. Idk, I need to find out though. I should find out if I'm bipolar soon :D. I feel kind of fraudulent though because there's supposed to be some sort of big thing that signifies you are but I've never been committed so, yeah. I do believe I am though, even though I'm a hypochondriac, lol.
Wow, I just had an orgasm in my head lol; writing really does help :). It almost scares me how good I'm gonna be when I finally get better though =D. I'll get therapy and medication and understanding (I hope) and also all the self help stuff I do which is pretty much why I'm still here.
Ooooh I want a chicken breast sub from SUBWAY :p.
I'm finally sorting my room out somewhat. Yeah, if you saw it you'd be like okkk but I have to do it bit by bit for various reasons. I think it may be a big cause of my OCD because I used to lie in bed planning what and how I would do it but way too tired to do it; a by product of depression... *cough*. Although it may be my thyroid that caused/causes it, or both. Idk, I need to find out though. I should find out if I'm bipolar soon :D. I feel kind of fraudulent though because there's supposed to be some sort of big thing that signifies you are but I've never been committed so, yeah. I do believe I am though, even though I'm a hypochondriac, lol.
Wow, I just had an orgasm in my head lol; writing really does help :). It almost scares me how good I'm gonna be when I finally get better though =D. I'll get therapy and medication and understanding (I hope) and also all the self help stuff I do which is pretty much why I'm still here.
Ooooh I want a chicken breast sub from SUBWAY :p.
Friday, 12 September 2008
So this one time
I made myself a blog :).
I've been wanting to do it for ages but too scared for some reason; stupid I know but oh well, I'm doing it now.
I decided to do it mainly for myself because I recently discovered that writing really does help so it kind of made sense. It does feel kind of odd though because my life isn't that exciting or anything. Well Idk someone said to me once that it is lol but I don't think it is. Sometimes it is but most of the time it isn't.
Grr I had the best idea of what to write before in the bathroom, I was well excited loll. I get all my good ideas in the bathroom :), no idea why lololol.
I've been wanting to do it for ages but too scared for some reason; stupid I know but oh well, I'm doing it now.
I decided to do it mainly for myself because I recently discovered that writing really does help so it kind of made sense. It does feel kind of odd though because my life isn't that exciting or anything. Well Idk someone said to me once that it is lol but I don't think it is. Sometimes it is but most of the time it isn't.
Grr I had the best idea of what to write before in the bathroom, I was well excited loll. I get all my good ideas in the bathroom :), no idea why lololol.
My throat
is burning. I'm supposed to be going to the doctors but I still haven't; I'm terrible, such a cunt. I will go next week; hopefully. I'm fairly sure I have an overactive thyroid which explains a lot of stuff. Ahh it's gone now. Wow it's odd writing without using emoticons.
Hmm I haven't done much today, I was gonna do something and it's been bothering me all day what it was. My memory's terrible. I hate having nothing to do but I hate having too much to do as well. I think if I have nothing to do I try to make up for it when I do by going overboard like I was washing the pots before and I cleaned all the sink and the dish rack before hand although I didn't use bleach which is kinda good. I was more obsessive than usual washing them though; quite annoying because I haven't been like that for a long time.
Anyway I'm too tired to write so I'll leave it at that :). Oh look an emoticon xd.
Hmm I haven't done much today, I was gonna do something and it's been bothering me all day what it was. My memory's terrible. I hate having nothing to do but I hate having too much to do as well. I think if I have nothing to do I try to make up for it when I do by going overboard like I was washing the pots before and I cleaned all the sink and the dish rack before hand although I didn't use bleach which is kinda good. I was more obsessive than usual washing them though; quite annoying because I haven't been like that for a long time.
Anyway I'm too tired to write so I'll leave it at that :). Oh look an emoticon xd.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)