:)

Wow, so today I have been from one extreme to another :. Yeah I'm gonna be like totally open with it so just a warning and all that. So this morning of what I can remember of it I was pretty depressed and suicidal and as the days go on I'm getting worse and worse in the fluctuational pattern :/. Having nothing to do really doesn't help either so I feel lazy and useless but yeah. This afternoon I was thinking about self harm and such but I won't go into that and I got so fooking angry I almost stabbed a hole through the bed with the pipe on the hoover :... Rage, I haven't felt it for a long time, actually Idk if I've ever felt it. I mean yeah I've felt rage but I mean rage ya know, so utterly and completely pissed off/fucked off at the cycle of feeling good for about a few hours at the most then feeling utterly shit again. Plus someone had a spazz but I won't say who just in case they somehow happen to read this. Anyway, I put all of my tricks and stuff into motion with a little bit of scratching ¬_¬. Meh, at least it's not cutting. I've been reading my book on meditation although not properly lol but yeah I learnt the proper way to do om (aum) and it was kinda weird but good :, cleared my mind even after all that and loads of caffiene :). I finally got my computer working again before as well which is good because I'd die without it :. I can't wait to get my PC case though so I can clean everything because it's dusty as... Idk what but it's dusty which is a main reason it wasn't working :/.

I think I might stay up till 2 tonight to throw off the cycle :). If I go bad again though I have to go to the doctors and at least get something for it.